Sunday, April 1, 2012

I've Never Heard Silence Quite This Loud

I spent all of Friday night online reading coming out stories, lesbian blogs, LGBTQ websites,
and archived forums. As I was sitting in class on Saturday (whoever the asshole is that scheduled a
college course on a Saturday seriously needs to get fired) my mind was a million other places than
the whiteboard. It took everything I had in me to resist the urge to jump up and run from the
building screaming. :( To be honest, I’ve never really been one for poetry so I’m not sure how I ended
up writing a poem, but I decided to post it here because it summarizes what I’m feeling pretty well.

My mind’s always racing, thinking about you
My heart’s always longing, reaching for truth
Gravity is with me, pushing me to
So why is it my words can never break through?
There’s always the one word that would bring me to my knees
I’ve spent all my energy denying it, hoping nobody sees.
I wonder if it’s the ever present thought, over bearing with weight,
Or is it my gut reaction, always filled with hate?
The constant question lingering, wondering ‘why me?’
Was I born this way? Did something happen? What made this be?

After years of practice, I finally mastered the disguise
Unbeknownst to everyone; it was built on shame and lies.
I had everybody fooled, believing I was straight
Little did they know, I was becoming engulfed with self-hate.
II think iOne word, one joke, one careless thought gets spoke
No matter the intention behind it, I always felt broke
After so many years of denial, I finally had enough
When suddenly people can’t see passed my superficial bluff.
The tables have turned, and I’m left here run dry,
A constant reminder of change in the blink of an eye.
I wish someone would speak up, just blatantly ask
Praying for a scapegoat, anyway out of this mask.
But they’re only respecting my privacy, playing along in my game
Not knowing how loudly I’m screaming inside, with only myself to blame.


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I started this blog as an attempt to document my coming out process and have a way to vent/express what I’m feeling each step of the way while also having something tangible to look back on whenever I wanted to.
That being said, if anyone is actually reading this please feel free to comment, share, or ask any questions you may have. I’d love to get feedback, answer questions, or post about topics that may be of interest to anyone!